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Is it possible to be the same person with everyone? [22 Jan 2007|07:59pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | Imogen Heap - Sweet Religion ] ( And here, ladies and gentlemen, is the best example of procrastination from accounting you will ever see  ) 2 broadway babes you're a star

[25 Dec 2006|11:38pm] [ mood | reflective ] [ music | Companion (Lay Me Down) ] For some reason, I always dread New Years. While most people see it as a celebration of what is to come, I tend to see it as a reflection of what has been done, and I always focus on what has been done wrong. There were a lot of things that went wrong this year, but then again that holds true every year. As hard as I try, I can't help but find December 31st a depressing night where I like to spend it by myself. What makes me smile is that one thing has gone ridiculously right, and that is Ben. Last night we had a family get together at our house. I've been really sick and drug out for the past week so I wasn't in a great mood. My mother invited Rhys out because she thought it would be nice. So he came, and I was really tired. I ended up falling asleep and he kept waking me up. It got to the point where I was so sick and dizzy that I just got mom to take him home so I could go to sleep, but he didn't want to go. He wanted to stay and to cuddle me, and I couldn't think of anything I'd like to do less. I was asked today why I don't like him.. he's such a nice boy.. he cares about me.. It was a good question. And it got me to thinking, because he is very nice. So what is it? I don't get any rush out of talking to him, I don't have butterflies in my stomach when I hear the phone ringing and know that the next voice I hear will be his. I don't look forward to seeing him for days in advance. I don't worry that maybe he thinks I'm spending too much time with him, or worse, not enough time with him. I don't worry about what I look like when I see him. Which brings me to what has gone right this year. Because I feel all these things with Ben. After all the times that I have called him in the past year, I still get a rush of nerves when I go to call him. I still do ridiculous things like write about what he and I did when we were together that day, I look forward to seeing him every single time, and I always have a hard time saying good night to him. Songs on the radio remind me of him, and sometimes I'll be doing something and I want to call him and tell him about it. Although he teases me and makes me angry, there's never a time I would rather be doing something else than talking to him. Ben has been a huge part of my year, and I'm truly grateful. (Greatful? Christmas break is rotting my brain. I think it's grateful) I just hope he's as big a part of next year as he was this year. There, Ben. Out of everything that happened in 2006, everything that I could reflect upon, the most important part of my year is my relationship with you. you're a star

[15 Oct 2006|12:35pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | John Mayer ] Change is inevitable. It doesn't matter who you are, you cannot stop or avoid it. I've been told before that people cannot change. That they will always be who they are, but I'm not sure I believe that. I think people change all the time and just aren't aware of it. The easiest example is alcoholics who go from being so deep in addiction that they can't think straight, to being clean and turning their lives around. When two people in a relationship both change, it only makes sense that the relationship itself will change. The dynamics will be different and it will either draw them closer together, or push them farther apart. A recovered alcoholic can go for years without taking a drink.. and then one day be tempted, and change right back into the person they once were. If relationships fall apart because people change, is it possible for those people to change again, and have the relationship go back to what it was? However. Thinking about this is not getting my stats assignment done. 1 broadway babe you're a star

[03 Aug 2006|01:49pm] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | Promiscuous Girl - Nelly Furtado ] Kristen is my favorite little promiscuous girl. Every Extravaganza from here on out is going to have a dress code requiring underwear on the outside of clothing. Including the one on the 12th. That's right, dancers. August 12th. Dinner and a movie. Be there, or else. 3 broadway babes you're a star

[23 Jul 2006|02:17pm] [ music | Lamentation - Leah Andreone ] Ouch. It's coming down to nothing more than apathy. Besides, black and blue are two of my favorite colors. you're a star

[19 Jul 2006|04:46pm] [ music | Some Girls - Rachel Stevens ] Tonight is So You Think You Can Dance night and I've come to the conclusion that I have an unhealthy obsession. I heard that Jenna is in the hospital. I don't know very much about it, other than that apparantly her cancer is back. It's scary, to think of her being sick. She's always been pretty nuts and energetic, and it's weird to think of her any other way. I watched some old competition tapes with her in them and it made me really sad to watch. I hope she's going to be ok. 3 broadway babes you're a star

[12 Jul 2006|12:55pm] [ mood | intimidated ] My new house makes me sad. There are a million problems with it. Like not being wired properly for anything. Or the fridge not fitting. Or the stove not working. Or the house being too cold. And all of our stuff is in boxes and it seems like the unpacking will never end! I'm having a breakdown over all the work I have to do that I cannot seem to accomplish. It's intimidating. And all this heavy lifting? Honestly, where is a man when I need one? I'm going to miss So You Think You Can Dance tonight. I'm devastated. 5 broadway babes you're a star

[24 Jun 2006|12:14pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap ] Today I woke up feeling terrible. I felt raw, inside and out; I felt like I was shouldering a weight that was three times my size, like I would crack under the pressure at any moment. I felt that weight both physically and emotionally, and couldn't wait to see which part of me cracked first. As I laid in bed, I heard the rain falling outside. Normally rain makes me feel an unexplicable sadness. The sky has opened up and is shedding its tears, and I feel compelled to join it. But today was different. Today was a good rain. The kind that made me feel, just for a second, like it was my own Great Flood. As if I were my own ark, and if I stood in the Flood long enough, and let it engulf me in its liquid sheet, I could choose which feelings and which thoughts to keep with me, and let the rest tumble down the street, sliding down the drains with the rain. The kind that, by letting it consume me completely, made the whole word feel right. Lately my negativity has been battling with my overwhelming fear to see who will succeed. It has left me feeling drained all the time, anxious and worried about everything. I can feel my flexibility diminishing, so I stretch and stretch until I'm too sore to move. I can feel myself gaining weight, so I stop eating, and make myself run until I can't run anymore. I push myself until I collapse, and pull away from people who try to help. I can't even count how many times I've muttered I'm fine when what I want to say is I'm a mess. How many times I've walked away when all I want is for someone to hold me. But after the rainstorm comes clarity. The ability to see. A cool that only the rain can provide.. 1 broadway babe you're a star

[19 Jun 2006|10:40pm] [ mood | worried ] [ music | Some sort of hockey related music ] My new dance classes are amaaaazing. I love them, and want to marry them. However, then I come home. And I get this. 2-0? Boys, why do you insist on trying to make me miserable. 6 broadway babes you're a star

[28 May 2006|10:15pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Out of my head - Mobile ] I was driving in my car, and the windows started to fog up. There was an outline of a heart that I drew on the windshield when you and I sat and watched the rain. It made me smile. My new house also makes me smile. On June 30th, I'm outta here! 2 broadway babes you're a star

[28 Apr 2006|10:50pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Senorita - Bond ] So, I missed almost all of Millenium. This is the first Millenium I've missed since I was 12. It makes me feel like I lost my best friend. I don't even know what to do with myself tomorrow if I don't get to go in and watch the cup. It's bad enough not dancing in it, but not even seeing it? Crushing. I miss Control. 3 broadway babes you're a star

Ben Delong.. [09 Apr 2006|08:25pm] [ mood | content ] The more I see you, the more I want to see you. I wish I could write something beautiful to tell you how I feel, how much you mean to me, how much I've enjoyed spending time with you. To tell you how just seeing you makes everything else seem less important. I wish I could find a poetic metaphor to express how you make me feel, or to explain how time seems to stand still whenever we are together. When we touch. To tell you that the simple little things that you do make me smile, feel important. I'm searching for a clever way to tell you that you leave me speechless and leave me wanting more every time we part; to tell you that you excite me and calm me all at the same time .. like finding the brakes on a runaway train You're right. I wouldn't go to New York without you. I don't want to go anywhere without you. I'm a slave to your eyes, your name. So take me. As little or as much of me as you want. my body misses yours 3 broadway babes you're a star

It's that time again.. [06 Apr 2006|09:38pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Wonderwall - Oasis ] Exam time. My three hardest exams are on Monday, and Tuesday morning. All I've done is stay up late studying. I think I'm going to have a breakdown I'm so stressed out and tired. And there are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how I went down to Dad's with Ben, my sister and my brother on Monday night. It was nice. I felt nervous around Dad and Kathy, like I was waiting for an argument to happen at any moment, but it went relatively well. It was almost nice. And maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me. After all, you're my wonderwall I've also decided that there is no way that I'm going to graduate in two years. It's going to take at least an extra year to finish my degree. And I will wait, I'll write another letter to myself And I will find out, that morning comes faster alone. And I feel this time and time again, I love the one, my friend. And I'm gunnin, for you.. 7 broadway babes you're a star

I can't speak, but I can whisper in your ear. [20 Mar 2006|04:55pm] [ mood | worried ] [ music | Your Eyes - Adam Pascal ] I'm afraid that I'll spend the better part of this year scared that I may need you. Tell me I'm not crazy. Tell me you know. Tell me you understand. Tell me I'm not the only one who feels.. something. My life has been full of uncertainties. Where I am, where I'm going. What I'm meant to be. Who will be there with me at the end of the day. But one thing I am certain of; you mean more to me than I realized, and the only uncertainty is what to do with this information. Deep down inside, I've always known how I feel and tried to hide it, for no reason that makes any sense. And I will wait, I'll write another letter to myself, and I will find out, morning comes faster alone. Maybe I am crazy. More often than not, when you tell someone that you love them, you are really asking the question "Do you love me?" And in asking that, you allow a person to see the most vulnerable side of you and leave yourself completely exposed. I've toyed with the idea of letting myself be completely exposed to you. You are, after all, the benchmark to whom I have compared every male in my life since I've known you. And they all come up short. I should tell you, I should tell you. 1 broadway babe you're a star

Dance with me in the falling snow [19 Mar 2006|12:26am] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Trip - Hedley ] Someone that you can't stand next to without slipping your hand into theirs. Whos body always finds the perfect place next to yours, entangled together, puzzle pieces. Someone who can say something so profound that it leaves you speechless. The only negative thing about finding that someone that you are unbelievably compatible with, is the thought of losing that person. It felt like my heart was being torn from my chest, only to watch it dangle from your hands, waiting to see what would happen. Paint my face the brand new color of longing. I'm all helpless and cold and dying for a kiss to warm me up. But it's so hot in here and I hate this nakedness because I'm more vulnerable than I've ever been. I just want a kiss to be able to say: "This is how it feels to live." There is no part of me that wants to go a day without you. I love you, in the most inexplicable way. In a way that words just cannot do justice. If only tears could speak the words the heart felt. Is it possible that I've always loved you and never known? You set me at ease and make me happier than I can ever remember feeling. I want to know how deep this really goes, because I can't feel my feet on the bottom... can these wings fly me home tonight? Seeing you makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. It makes the butterflies in my stomach take flight. The question is, what does your heart do. I like to think I loved you first 4 broadway babes you're a star

[10 Mar 2006|01:45pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Look Alive - Matt Caplan ] So I was doing a school order at Dominos this morning, and I had to write on the pizza boxes. I went to write Cheese on one of them and I wrote Chelsea. Kiddo, I think this means that I miss you. Stop being so busy with your university and directing your awesome play. Caplan on Monday. I'm so jealous. Anyway.. just thought you (and the rest of the world) would like to hear that I haven't forgotten about you, and I miss talking to you lately. 5 broadway babes you're a star

Such a beautiful day out! [09 Mar 2006|12:23pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Raining Men - Geri Halliwell ] It has been so nice out these past couple days! It's kind of like a kick in the face that it's been so gorgeous and I have to be inside doing homework and studying though. Our Smart car was in for servicing so I've been driving a huge Mercedes around all week and it was perfect. I loved that car so much. It was beautiful, and the liscence plate even said B CLASSY. How cool is that? I took it back today though, and got ol' faithful back, and shiny and clean. I only got a 56% on my Accounting midterm which made me pretty sad. A 74% and a 72% on Management and Law. Man, I am sucking it up this semester. Ugh. And finals are soon. It's just.. crazy! But other than that, things are good. Teaching is going well. Chelsea and I had a bit of a fight, but I guess that's over with. Danceabition was amazing.. although bittersweet. I guess it didn't really hit home just how much I missed dance, until I was sitting in the front row by myself while everyone was sitting onstage for adjudication. When I pointed to the program and told Tyler that my troupe was next, I had to catch myself, and add "my old troupe". It was almost like a physical hurt, watching everyone and not being a part of it. But it was nice to see everything, and I'm so proud of Control this year. And it was really nice that Tyler came with me to watch.. and even nicer that by the end of it he was so into it that he started critiquing things, and complaining that troupes got robbed of the medals they deserved. Kinda made me laugh a bit. My step dad was gone away all last week, and he's gone away until next Wednesday. It's awesome because I have a car every single day. And mom is a whole lot less stressed over it all, so it makes me happy. Anyway.. I should go get started on the mound of homework I have. 8 broadway babes you're a star

I don't own emotion, I reeennnntttttttt! [20 Feb 2006|03:18pm] [ music | Rent - OBC ] Rent comes out tomorrow. That's really the only exciting thing that I have to update about. Rent comes out tomorrow, and it is Rent day, where all Chelsea and I are going to do is sit down and watch hours and hours of Rent. And then we are having an Anthony Rapp love night, and an Adam Pascal love night. Life is complete. RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT! We're not gonna pay Rent! 'Cuz everything is RENT! Ok, I'm done. 9 broadway babes you're a star

When your heart has expired.. oh lover.. [10 Feb 2006|10:51am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | I'll Cover You Reprise - Rent Movie Soundtrack ] Today is a hard day. Today is the 10th, which is the day before the 11th. Which is the day that, at the age of 15 I watched my best friend die right in front of me. David Paul Sproul .. May 4, 1984 - February 11, 2002. Your heart expired, and far too soon. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v335/lmsd_dancer/i22820505_50746.jpg ( I miss my homie.. ) Something un-Dave related.. I'm falling for someone. Yes, I sure am. It's not the someone it should be, but am I ever falling. I had such a great time yesterday, hanging out with my new best friend Steve, trashing Tyler's room with Logan and Tristan and.. everyone else. And you know.. then there was the dancing, tangoing, cuddling. Yeah. His eyes just kill me. 3 broadway babes you're a star

[06 Feb 2006|07:52pm] [ music | Backstreet Boys ] I need to be doing an assignment and studying for my midterms.. But me and kt are listening to music from the 90's and trying to find the dirtiest song that we used to sing.. and not know it was dirty. So far.. Freaky Time by Point Break is winning. But anything by 5ive is coming in a close second. Ohh my. And I wonder why I never feel prepared for anything school-related. 6 broadway babes you're a star

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